Grief And The Gift
by twistedbytwilight
Summary: Bella is brought to her knees following the deaths of both parents, unable to imagine going on without them. Enter the girl from school with the brooding family. DARK THEMES, including suicidal ideation. NOT A GUARANTEED HEA.  OOC, AU.


"**A picture is worth a thousand words"  
Title: Grief And The Gift  
Summary: Bella is brought to her knees following the deaths of both parents, unable to imagine going on without them. Enter the girl from school with the brooding family. DARK THEMES, including suicidal ideation. OOC, AU.  
Author(s): twistedbytwilight  
Disclaimer:** **The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Warning: This story includes DARK THEMES, including suicidal ideation.**

**Link to picture: ****onepictureequals1000words . blogspot . com/2010/08/blog-post_8921 . html **

**Remove the spaces around the dogs to follow the link.**

* * *

This was the first time Jacob had to drag me back inside after I collapsed on the porch. Today, as I huddled against the pass-through just inside my door, my butt on the floor and my head buried between my elbows, I knew I heard him "Tsk" me. _Shut the fuck up, Jake. I know I'm fucked up._ I really wanted to scream it at him, but at that moment I needed a brown paper baggie and for him to back the hell up away from me.

"Go, Jake. Just go. It's not going to happen today," I breathed through my coarse inhales and exhales. I couldn't even look up at him. My throat was burning, but at least this time I didn't feel like someone was choking me. That's a good sign, right?

"Bella, you're going to have to come out of this house sometime." I hated hearing him try this again. We had made it out to the porch today. It was a good day, I guess.

Jacob had no idea how paralyzed I was, how much the physical hurt almost tore me down to my knees when I walked through that front door. "This is freaking Forks, for God's sake," he told. "It's not like anyone's watching you." _Of course. I'm nothing, that's why._ Just those words caused me to erupt in a bout of full-out sobs.

His voice became softer, farther away from me, like he was backing up five steps with each word until I could barely hear him. I liked it better this way. Somehow this part of the panic attack was bearable. Jacob was a friend, sure, but right now he was not what I needed. If good intentions could make me better, I would be running around outside and visiting La Push with him. No problem. Unfortunately, Jacob was a dipshit when it came to this and I just wanted him out of my sight.

Eruption number two. I must have screamed because suddenly Jacob was kneeling next to me, holding my head to his chest. My hands were stinging. There was blood, and Jacob must have seen it because somewhere through the fog I felt him prying my fingers open. "Oh God, Bells. Fuck," he whispered with a note of sorrow. "Your…your hands are bleeding." I barely felt him rip off his short-sleeved shirt, and I faintly heard the ripping sound through my own thundering heartbeat in my ears as he tore his button-down shirt in two. He wrapped my palms carefully. _Shit, I did it again_, I realized that I had dug my fingernails into my palms.

There was nothing he or anyfuckingone else could do for me. No one had been able to reach me. It was hopeless. _I_ was hopeless. My face was in his shoulder, my mouth open against his skin as the howls poured from me. This felt so wrong. I needed him away from me, but I clung to him like a child.

Jacob held me. It was all he could do, and though I wanted him gone, I couldn't help but let him.

A thundering boom sounded to my right. "What the fuck?" Jacob tensed immediately. I recognized the voice, but couldn't look at her.

Cold hands stole mine from Jacob's. "Ali-ice," I whispered. A new round of sobs gripped my chest, and I knew this was about to get much worse.

"Shh, shh, Bella. I'm here." The coolness of Alice was pressed up against my side and I was sandwiched between her and my childhood friend. "Let her go, Jacob," she spoke softly but with a note of authority. "Now."

"Fuck you! Who the hell are you, anyway?"

Her voice dipped lower. "Jacob, please. Let me take care of this. I know what she needs."

Alice was the only one who had ever been able to get me to come out of this willingly. Normally, it took a few hours and sometimes a couple of pills to get me back to some sense of normalcy after an attack. Alice, however, had some ability to calm me and right now I needed just her.

Jacob was growling as he pulled me closer to his side, his arm around my shoulder. "Listen, I don't even know who you are, and Bella's my oldest friend."

"J-Jake," I stammered, my breath coming in shallow pants. "Please. She's…she's a friend, too."

My pulse was throbbing in my ears, so I didn't hear anything else they said. I could make out a few words here and there, "Panic," and "friend," and "don't worry."

I felt Jacob remove his arm from around me. He held my face in his hands and whispered. "Bella, I'm going to go. I don't know what to do here…If you need _anything_ I want you to call me, okay? I'll be right here." He pressed his lips to my forehead, and I heard him shuffle to the door, closing it behind him.

I was alone with Alice. I found myself here on the floor with her quite often lately, ever since…it happened.

"Bella," she said. I felt her in front of me, holding my hands tightly as she traced small circles on the backs of my hands. "Bella, stay with me." I really couldn't understand what she was saying, I was hyperventilating so badly. This was a bad one. Each time I thought the panic attacks couldn't get worse, I would end up on the floor again. They had started four weeks ago today, the day my world had shattered around me.

Remembering that visit from the uniformed cop sent me into a new round of shivers. _Cold on my cheek. I feel cold. _I opened my eyes slightly to see that my face was pressed into Alice's neck. She held me and rocked me back and forth on the floor. I couldn't understand why she was doing this, why her visits started the day after Charlie's funeral. She and her family had always avoided me at school, and I never shook the feeling that they hated me. But Alice was…different. She knew how to talk to me, knew what to say to make the edges less painful.

And she knew how to hold me, just like this, when the memories would flood back like thousands of daggers piercing straight into my soul.

"_Hey, Charlie," I called out as I heard the front door open and close. I was just about to pull the lasagna out of the oven and had the orange towel folded long-ways in my hands._

"_Bella?" It was an unfamiliar voice. His voice shook slightly._

_I jumped, and threw the towel into the sink. Walking through the kitchen door toward the living room, I saw a uniformed policeman I knew from some pictures Charlie had around the house. He was gripping the edges of his dark blue uniform hat in his hands over his stomach. _

"_Um, Bella, my name is Stanley Woods, and I work with your dad at the Forks Police Department."_

_That's all he needed to say. My heart skipped a beat and I grabbed the door frame. In the time since Renee's death six months ago, I had feared this visit with everything in me. Charlie and I hadn't been close throughout the time I had been growing up, but after I moved in with him after Renee's death he had helped me pick up the pieces of my shattered life. He didn't do it by hovering or coddling me. He did it by simply being in a quiet room with me and letting me cry. I didn't have to be anyone else with him; I could just be his hurting daughter. He helped me see that the world does go on when we lose someone we love, and I was just now getting to a point where I could think about her without bursting into tears. _

_I had a feeling this visit would change all of that._

"_St-Stanley?" _

_He sniffled. "Bella, I'm so sorry. Charlie, he…he was just going to check out a suspected meth house." Stanley was crying. I couldn't move. "There were some words and then a gunshot. I…I don't know how to tell you this, Bella, but Charlie's….Charlie's gone."_

_I fell to my knees. "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this," chanted in my head over and over again. That was four weeks ago today._

Jacob brought me groceries and checked on me every few days, trying to convince me on each visit that I had to get out. I hated the words "have to" and "need to." I didn't have to do anything anymore; least of all live. I was an 18-year-old orphan, old enough to vote yet too young to know how to live without my flawed and beautiful parents.

On today's visit he convinced me to try to step out onto the porch. Clearly, it did not go well.

Since the funeral I hadn't left the house. I could barely bring myself to go upstairs, knowing I would pass Charlie's empty room. This house had always been peacefully quiet, but now it was devoid of sound every day aside from the noise of my bare feet paddling across the floor and my sobs every few minutes. If I was going to get help, there was no way I was going out there. The outside was going to have to come to me.

So here I was again, curled up and wailing on the hardwood floor in my living room. I spent a lot of time here lately. I couldn't go on like this much longer. I needed the pain and the memories to just stop.

Alice pulled me up to my feet and sat me on the couch, still tightly balled up into myself. My jacket was still on, and I fiddled with the buttons through my tears and gasps for air. "Bella, listen to me," she coached. "I'm going to get you something warm to drink. I will be right back. I'm not leaving you this time."

I felt the couch cushion move slightly as she rose. My fingers fumbled around for any sensation that would help to bring me back to the moment. Alice had taught me to just focus on one small texture or inanimate object during my attacks, and that was helping me somewhat. I felt the aged fibers of the cushion and swiped my fingertips slowly across them over and over again, slowly, as the fingers on my other hand swept over the button in their grasp. My eyes were closed, and I focused on breathing in and out.

Two months ago I was a straight-A student, planning my college applications. Today I was thanking the heavens for crappy upholstery.

She was back in moments, taking my right hand off the couch and placing a warm mug in it. I brought my other hand up to it as well. I didn't trust myself not to drop it. I dropped a lot of dishes lately.

"Okay, Bella, let's breathe together," she spoke softly as she curled her legs under her and leaned toward me. "Inhale." We did it together. "Good. Exhale." I breathed out. It hurt my chest. "Inhale." I heard her breathing with me through her nose. "Very good, Bella. Exhale."

"Alice, it hurts so much," I choked.

She placed her hands around mine that were still clutching the warm orange mug. It was one of Dad's favorites. "I know, sweetie. I know. We're going to get you through this."

I sniffed. "I don't…know if I want to get through this." I said it. She was the first and only person I could ever talk to like this. A month ago she was the bitchy pixie who stared at me from across the cafeteria at school. In the last four weeks she had become my only ray of light.

She had me breathe in and out a few more times, and I felt the tingling in my feet start to fade. I didn't trust myself to stand, so I remained rooted to the couch.

"Bella, can I tell you something?" she asked softly.

I nodded, somewhat disengaged from conversation. "Sure, Alice. Anything." I couldn't look up yet, my eyes were focusing on the mug that Charlie had used every morning since the day I had come to live with him. It had gone untouched for the last four weeks.

She took her hands off of mine and stroked my cheek. "Bella, I know you may not understand this, but I know what you're going through."

"How could you? You have a family. I'm alone." The words sounded so final.

"Carlisle and Esme…adopted me, Bella." I knew this, as did everyone in the school. Still, they loved her and took care of her, and I had nobody anymore who gave a damn if I lived or died.

"I know."

"Do you know why they did it, though?" I shook my head. "Because I had lost everything, just like you."

I looked up at her. She had never told me anything so personal before. Her visits up to this point had been spent with her helping me to breathe in and out, drying my tears, and helping me clean myself and the house up in preparation for its sale.

She cocked her head to the side a little bit and smiled. "I didn't trust them at first. It took a while. But I know now that for each of us, there are people out there who love us and want to help us, even if we don't even know it yet."

Her words weren't really registering. "That's great, Alice. But who is going to help me? I don't have anyone."

"You have me," she whispered.

"Right. Your whole family hates me. I see how they look at me. I don't even know why you keep coming over here," I sniffled. "You…you used to look at me like that, too."

She was silent for a moment before speaking. "I am so infinitely sorry we gave you that impression. I know we can be somewhat, oh, what's the word, _intense_-looking at times. But believe me, Bella, we really do not hate you." She paused and looked down. "We understand you."

She really wasn't making much sense. I sipped the hot chocolate she had prepared for me. It felt good, but I was still shaking inside.

"All of us – Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Edward, and I – had lost a great deal before we found each other. We were broken, I guess you could say. We have been put back together."

I put my mug down on the cluttered coffee table and brought my hands back to my lap, staring at them. "But you have them now, Alice. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't have any other family, they're all…gone," I whimpered, the fact hitting me square in the chest. "I have to figure out how to sell this house and where I'm going to live and what I'm going to do and I really just want to curl up and die."

She paused for quite a few minutes before taking my hands in hers again. She leaned closer, waiting, I felt, for me to look at her. When I did, I saw her piercing amber eyes gazing into mine. "Bella, what if I could give you the greatest gift of all? What if I could make this hurt go away? Help you to not remember?"

She was insane. I knew it the moment the words spilled out of her mouth. That was it. I was the recipient of her visits because she was certifiable and she saw me as a victim. But even crazy was better than the jagged edges of my reality nowadays. "Drugs, Alice?"

I startled when I heard her laugh. "No, not drugs." She shook her head. "Better than drugs."

I let her stay with me all day, and as the evening sun went down, we migrated from the couch to my room. She had loaded her car with boxes, packing tape, and handed me a fat permanent marker. "I want you to pack up your room. I'm going to help you. Today."

My breath choked in my chest. How were we, a torn-down basket case and a 100-pound pixie, going to accomplish such a feat? She kept reassuring me, though, that we could do it. "I'm going to help you today, so that hopefully you will trust me to help you tomorrow." I didn't ask, I just did what she told me to do. It was pretty much my only option at this point.

Through my bouts of sobbing, she and I packed up each trinket, each memento of my 18 years on this planet. I had the feeling she was going to ask me to move in with her family. I didn't want to leave this house – in fact I didn't know how it would be physically possible to get out the door – but I had no fight in me. I had no freaking clue where I was going to go with all of my stuff that was now neatly packed in a series of stacked boxes around my room, but frankly I didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore.

"Good," she chirped, brushing off her delicate hands after the last box was sealed and marked. "Now, Bella, I want you to listen to me very carefully. You are going to take a shower. Do you understand?" I nodded slightly. "And then you are going to come downstairs. I want you to sleep on the couch tonight." I nodded again. "Do you trust me?"

"Y-yes," I stammered, as I looked into her eyes. I had no other options right now.

"Come here, you," she whispered as she pulled me in for a hug. "Watching you these last four weeks has almost ripped my heart out. There are people who care about you, Bella. You just have to be willing to go to them." Again, she was talking but I wasn't able to figure out what she was getting at.

I had left out a few days' worth of clothes as we packed up my dresser, so I grabbed a set of clean pajamas and trudged to the bathroom. The shower felt…invigorating. I could feel the droplets of water on my skin, and for the first time in a month I exhaled completely. I had no idea what to expect from Alice, but I had learned not to doubt her. She hadn't hurt me yet.

I changed into the pajamas and made my way slowly down the stairs. She was sitting on the couch, her legs drawn up to her chest, staring across the room at nothing in particular. I had seen that look in school, but one of her siblings had always nudged her to snap her out of it. The floorboard creaked underneath me when I hit the landing and I saw her blink twice and turn to me with a smile.

"Very nice, Bella. Come, sit down." She stayed with me for another hour, asking me to tell her stories about Renee and Charlie. I found myself curled up again, rocking back and forth as I told her about the visit from Stanley Woods.

"I just can't do this anymore, Alice. It hurts so fucking bad," I sobbed as my forehead fell to rest on my knees. I felt her cold fingers grasp mine again for the umpteenth time that day.

"Bella, listen to what I'm about to tell you. Tomorrow I'm going to give you a gift. This gift will take all the pain away. I just have to hear that you truly want it, from your mouth." She paused, and I looked up at her through my puffy, tear-strained eyes.

"Please, Alice, just take it away," I begged. "I want it." I want anything that will take away the hole that's been ripped in my chest.

I fell asleep on the couch after she left, and for the first time in four weeks I actually slept through the night. No screaming, no nightmares, just sleep. When I woke the following morning, I stretched out, touching my toes to the sofa arm at my feet.

I had something to look forward to for the first time in four weeks, or six months, really.

By the time I was dressed again, Alice was knocking on my door. I knew it was her, from the soft raps. Also, nobody but Jacob really came to see me anymore, and he usually pounded on the door.

I pulled open the door and felt my lips turn up into a smile – my first smile since I had smiled as Charlie walked out the door on his last day alive. "Hey," I stated plainly, and stepped back to allow Alice into the house.

She unwrapped the silk scarf from around her jet-black hair, took off her sunglasses, and took my hand. "Bella, you look like you finally got some sleep," she said warmly.

"Yeah, I guess so." _I finally had something to look forward to_, I thought.

I let her pull me into the living room and we sat, as we had last night, on the couch. "Have you had any second thoughts about what we talked about?" she asked, one eyebrow raised.

"Not at all, Alice. I want whatever it is you are offering." It was the truth. To not think, not remember, and not feel this gaping hole in my chest – that was the only thing I could hope for. I was grateful I had showered last night. If this was some sick suicide pact – one that I honestly would not refuse at this point – I at least wanted to look respectable when I was found.

"No, Bella, you're not going to die like that," she admonished. How in the hell did she know what I was thinking?

"I…I thought this was…I thought you were going to help me die," I admitted in a hoarse whisper.

I was a little startled by her chuckle. "Not exactly. But life as you know it is going to change, and drastically. So I'm going to ask you one more time, and I need you to say it: do you want what I'm offering? It is going to hurt, and you will wish you were dead. But at the end you will be reborn and I promise you, you will thank me."

Pain is good, I thought. Pain takes my mind off my broken heart. I had burned myself a few times since Charlie's death, just to prove I could feel anything.

She waited for me to say the words, words I couldn't believe I was saying. "Yes. I want it." I was terrified and relieved in the same instant.

"I'm so glad, Bella. You are going to be amazing…." She drifted off. Alice was the queen of vague.

Before I could ask any questions, I was pinned back on the couch, a searing hot poker in my neck. As I screamed, I realized that Alice was lying on top of me.

* * *

_An eternity of pain. No thoughts, just racing acid through my veins. I want this. _

_Light around me. Wind. Wind makes the pain go away a little. Red. _

_Strange voices during the burning. "..thank you, Alice….couldn't have done this myself….Do you think she'll like me?" _

"_Relax, I've seen it. Take care of her, Edward. She will need you more than you know." _

_Cold hand on my forehead. "It's almost over, sister." Alice's voice. _

"_We love you, Bella." Another strange, masculine voice. _

_I slipped back into the oblivion of screams._

_Gift. This is a gift, I reminded myself. _

_Screaming, scorching, scintillating…my eternity. _

* * *

I woke with a shudder, but my eyes had not yet opened. I heard…_everything_. I felt…_everything_.

My eyelids fluttered open. I was not alone in the room. I did not need to see them to know it. In an instant I was across the room, crouching. I had not even willed myself to sit up. Dust mites floated around me…brilliant little prisms, those dust mites. I couldn't even comprehend their beauty.

A light chuckle sounded from the other side of the room, and I hissed. Hissed? What? My head whipped to the source of the voice, and I saw…someone I knew, and trusted. Alice? And was that her brother….what was his name? I couldn't remember anything, but I felt like I had seen him before.

"Bella, I'd like to introduce you to Edward. He's been eager to meet you." As she turned to leave I saw her put her hand on his shoulder and chirp with a wide smile, "Happy birthday, brother," before she skipped out of the room.


End file.
